Lord of the Rings: The Hidden Story
by Caitlin-and-Emily
Summary: LOTR 3 parody of the movie, not the book. The title kinda sucks but oh well. This story is our twisted, caffeineinduced interpretation of LOTR 3. Lots of randomness. Enjoy!


Disclaimer: All rights, blah, blah, blah owned by J.R.R Tolkien. We own nothing.

Ok, this is our Jewish story for LOTR: Return of the King

Note: If you're looking for a plot, time sequence, or accuracy just leave right now. There's no real story line or anything. This is what comes from too much caffeine and watching the 3rd LOTR movie for the fourth time. If you didn't pay that much attention to the movie, you might not understand everything in this story. It kinda rambles too. Oh, and if we sound offensive, then… cover your eyes. 

This is our twisted, LOTR parallel of World War 2!

Just read and have fun, and don't forget to review!

So, without further ado, we present...

**Lord of the Jews: The Hidden Story**

Arwen and Elrond are having an enlightening conversation at Rivendell. Arwen calls her father "Adda", which is Jew-nese (Hebrew) for Dad. This is when it is discovered that all elves are Jewish. Moving on to the big party at Rohan (where they are celebrating the fact that a bunch of people just died- whoo-hoo). If you notice, a lot of the lamps have eight candles. Therefore, it can be concluded that all good people in Middle Earth are Jewish. And since the 'Jews' are being oppressed by the Orcs, the Orcs are now German Nazis, and their loyal allies, the big, evil, giant, flying bird-thingys are the Japanese fighter planes. The part when the bird-things raid Gondor and kill a ton of people, is indeed Pearl Harbor. (Insert the theme from "Pearl Harbor")

When Gandalf rides his pony out and makes the evil birdies (Japanese fighter planes) go away, it is discovered that Gandalf is Moses, and since he is Moses, he is the keeper of the Jewish Middle Earth heaven: Mosesland and he is the knower of all things. But when 'Moses' is off fighting the 'Nazis', the creepy blond lady who can read people's minds (Galadriel I think), watches over Mosesland. The star that she gave to Frodo is actually the Star of David.

So anyhow, back to Gondor. But first, the reason the 'Japanese' and the 'Nazis' are so pissed is because they had a bad reaction to the food at the Jewish-run-Chinese-food restaurant (with Kosher only!). This is technically the place where the big green light comes out of (Minas Morgul?).

Now really, back to Gondor. The Steward of Gondor is, for a fact a Russian spy. But nobody knows...or cares. When Pippin is pledging his allegiance to the Steward, he's really being Bar Mitzvah-ed.

Ok, so after Pearl Harbor, Rohan comes to the rescue, and none of the Orcs know that their leader, 'Replacement Hitler' (Saruman), has been captured by trees. But luckily, the real 'Hitler' (Saron), is still alive. Actually…this isn't lucky but whatever. Just when it looks like the good people are going to win, the 'German's' other allies (the Italians) show up. They are the freaky Samurais' on the giant elephants (which are a result of underground German radiation testing in a small Swiss village, whose inhabitants where later kidnapped and brainwashed by the Nazis). Moving on... these mammoth creatures are led by the schizophrenic man: The Godfather. His three personalities are, Al Pacino, Al Capone, and Marlin Brando.

So now, the 'Italians' and remaining 'Nazis/Japanese' are killing the 'Jewish' people. But have no fear: Aragorn, Legolas, and Rabi Gimli are here! And they have returned with the nuclear bomb and are about to launch it on Hiroshima. The bomb is technically the dead ghost people. These people were 'Jewish' but they became 'Nazi' spies to save themselves. They were caught by 'Moses' and were then banned from Mosesland and forced to wander the earth as the living dead until their sins were repaid.

So then before the bomb explodes, the 'Nazi/Japanese/Italia'n people break down the door to Gondor with the Trojan horse, who is, in fact, a burning metal pig. But then the "bomb" goes off and all the bad folks at Minis Tirith, a.k.a. Big City with Rock in Middle, die. So then the 'Jews' head over to the Nazi training camp: Mordor.

But as they're on their way there, Frodo and Sam are having their own fun adventure: Starving to death on a giant staircase! Whoo-hoo! They are being led by Gollum, the atheist, who escaped from his evil-goat-worshiping-Carney master (Deagol).

They're almost really screwed.

So, now they're on their way to (unknowingly) visit Shelob, who runs a brutal Nazi concentration camp and was also raised with the radio active, giant, Swiss elephants. So Frodo, who stupidly ditched Sam, follows the evil Gollum into the camp's graveyard. After he gets bit by the radio active spider, he is Spiderman, but nobody ever finds out...not even Frodo. But then the 'Nazi's' come and take him to the Nazi training camp, near Mt. Vesuvius. So Sam saves him, and they dress up as 'Nazis' and cross the Great Wall of China to get to Mt. Vesuvius.

So, as the little 'Jewish' army is getting ready to fight the 'Nazis' outside of Mordor, the ground falls out, taking only the 'Nazis', 'Italians' and 'Japanese' with it. This is not because Gollum bit off Frodo's finger (Insert Snickers commercial: "Don't let hunger happen to you."), fell into the lava of Mt. Vesuvius, and destroyed the Ring, it is because 'Moses' (Gandalf) parted the Red Land (Sea) and summoned the angels, a.k.a. eagles (Jews in Middle Earth become eagles when they die).

So then everybody goes back to Gondor, which has been magically repaired by tiny fairies, and Aragorn is declared the first ever Jewish Pope.

This concludes World War .5.

Author's note: Tehe! Lot's of randomness. So...REVIEW!

Ciao :)


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